RIDGECREST, CA—Local first year philosophy student, Robert Kitchen, has been fired from his job at a local bagel shop after showing up to work more than two hours late for the third time this week. He cited his reason for being tardy that he no longer believes time exists.
Proponents of this odd theory claim that time was created and we are all now programmed to live our lives by it. Critics of the theory, such as Robert’s boss, say it’s just an elaborate excuse for people to be lazy and miss work.
“I don’t care if the boy believes in time or not. All I know is that from 8:00 to 3:00, he belongs to me. I wish he spent as much time making bagels as he did quoting dumb internet memes.” commented Robert’s boss. "He may be some profound thinker in Facebook, but to me hes just unemployed".
A common quote promoting the theory, while uncredited, has been circulating on the internet for some time. It reads:
"Time doesn't exist, clocks exist. Time is just an agreed upon construct. We have taken distance (one rotation of the earth, and one orbit of the sun), divided it into segments, then given those segments labels. While it has its uses, we have been programmed to live our lives by this construct as if it were real. We have confused our shared construct with something that is tangible and thus have become its slave."
“The real reason I was let go was oppression!” demanded Robert. “This is a clear case of anti-time micro-aggression. If I don’t believe in time, you can force me to abide by its rules. I won’t be a slave any longer! Besides I have better things to do with my segments. If you will excuse me, I have a LARP meeting happening in this current earth rotation.
At the time of this article, Robert remains single and unemployed. He wears a fedora, sports a gnarly neck beard and now requests to be called the “The Time Bandit” in many online forums.