Thursday, January 17, 2019
BBC

New Study Confirms Heretics Allergic To Truth

Scott Taylor comments
| Satire

Itchy ears, redness, and short temperament are just some of the symptoms many students of Wastleyen University experience on a regular basis.

"The symptoms originally flared up only on Sunday mornings," said Samuel Johnson, 20, of New Haven. "So, I thought maybe it was my parents church where I was attending. The old building was full of history, but I thought, maybe it was full of allergens too."

Unsure what to do, Samuel visited the health center at Wastleyen University where he is majoring in Progressive Film Studies. To his relief, the nurse was not at all surprised by his symptoms.

"This is a common occurrence among students that attend our University", said Clara McCann, RN, who works for the university Health Services. "Ze told me it was most severe on Sundays at zis parents' church. Now that summer break was over, I told zir to come back in a week to see if zir symptoms had cleared up, and sent zim on zir way with free condoms and tampons."

A week later with improved symptoms, Sam returned to Health Services where he was handed a brochure on an experimental new study in the Psychology department.

"It turns out I have Heretical Alethis Disorder" said Sam. "I'm allergic to truth."

For two weeks he underwent intensive evaluation and was forced to watch Paul Washer and Voddie Bauchum sermons, followed by Rachel Held Evans and Matthew Vines. Doctors observed as Sam obsessively itched his ears, broke pencils in half, and breathed heavily while watching Washer preach the wrath of God and Bauchum preach about repenting from our sins, and then relax and browse Snapchat as he watched Evans preach about female pastors and Vines preach about reconsidering same sex marriage in scripture. When the study was over doctors gave him the official diagnosis and told him to limit his exposure to any content containing truth. As part of their recommendations, they gave him directions to a PCUSA church nearest the University, and a doctor's note in case his parents asked questions. Since then, as part of his regiment, Sam reads Salon at least twice a day, and is now a regular user of Patheos.com.

"It was nuts, yo! I lowkey thought I was becoming a bigot! I'm grateful for the videos I saw from Matthew and Rachel to calm my itch." Sam now has a completely new outlook on life. "It gets better," he said.

Author

Scott Taylor

Scott is a full-stack web developer. He lives in Denver, CO with his wife and son. He works full time for a web development and SEO Marketing agency.