Should Christians Drink Pumpkin Spice Lattes?

Dustin Ranem comments
| Satire

Written by Not Exactly Subtle.

It’s that time of year when the weather begins to turn, the leaves start to change color, and all across the nation the Pumpkin Spice Latte is back on the menu.

I would caution my brothers and sisters (let’s be honest, mostly sisters) to think before they drink.

Anytime something becomes this popular and accepted by society, we need to step back and ask if we’ve ceased merely being in the world and have, in fact, become part of it (Couldn’t find the chapter and verse, but I know it’s in the KJV). Allow me to incredibly humbly suggest a couple of things we ought to meditate on and pray over before we imbibe the PSL.

1. A study of “Pumpkin Spice” in the original languages

When we break down the etymology of the name of Satan’s favorite drink, it shows how truly subversive the Tempter can be in trying to lure away God’s own. The word “pumpkin” has two roots in the original Latin. “Pump” is an obvious reference to the song “Pumped Up Kicks” which is about a person who uses a weapon to attack people around him because he wants their shoes. This is a focus on greed and covetousness so ugly that it ought not be present in the life of the believer. Also murder. The fact that the word “pump” is followed by “kin” is a clear insinuation that the coffee industry wants us to murder our families. But you don’t think about that when you’re drinking your beverage do you? DO YOU? And finally, “spice” is a not-so-subtle allusion to the Spice Girls.

Can we allow ourselves to forget where this drink comes from? I, for one, refuse to drink anything that supports family murder or the Spice Girls.

2. Genesis 3 and Starbucks

The entire entrance of sin into the world was caused by a unique creature offering a fruit to an unwitting female.

Can’t see the connection? No one has popularized the PSL like Starbucks. Just like Satan used the talking snake in the garden, he is using the call of the siren today. He doesn’t offer an apple or a pomegranate, but a pumpkin. And who is the most susceptible audience to this tempting offer? Females. It’s truly ironic that the mermaid, who legendarily led young sailors to their doom, is still doing so today…just attacking a different demographic.

Wake up, America. The Devil is a master deceiver. He knows what works and merely polishes it up and repackages it for a different generation.

3. Mainstream? More like the wide road that leads to destruction.

We are called to be in the world and not of it. (again, verse pending). If anything becomes mainstream…that means it is time to break away from it and avoid it for the sake of impressing Jesus. Allow me to list several things that are accepted by our society and ask yourself if those are the type of things you want to be associated with: mixed gender bathrooms, marijuana, the Black Eyed Peas, UFC, the Minnesota Vikings, Keeping Up with the Kardashians, the ESV “bible”, PETA, etc.

It isn’t harmless. Nothing that popular can be.

So please, think of who you represent before you post your pictures of your hypocritical smile with your Family Murdering Spice Girls drink. It’s not just a drink. It’s a step on a very slippery slope. Jesus never drank a Pumpkin Spice Latte, and that’s good enough for me.


Dustin Ranem

Dustin Ranem works as a Digital Marketing Professional for Conners Clinic, an Alternative Cancer Treatment clinic, in the beautiful frozen tundra that is Minnesota, with his wife and 5 kids.

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